I have finally realised that despite my overwhelming desire to isolate myself, it hasn’t been working for me, and things have been getting progressively worse. So, I decided I would be brave, and make an effort to be sociable. All this consisted of was going to support my dance studio at an eisteddfod this afternoon after teaching this morning. I didn’t really think it through, and in hindsight, spending nearly 6 hours being supportive, putting on a happy face, trying to interact normally with students and parents… I’m not coping. I am completely drained. I have nothing left to give. I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow now, let alone the rest of the week. Stupid idea, thinking I would ever be able to push everything down and succeed at just having a normal day spending time with normal people. Why would I ever be capable of that?
I don’t remember what it was, but something today reminded me of something I’ve been told by a few people on numerous occasions. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it by now. You haven’t done it yet, so you’re not going to. There are so many things wrong with those two sentences I don’t even know where to start. But never, ever say this to anyone showing suicidal tendencies. It’s just like when dietitians (or others) tell you that you’re not thin enough to be sick, you’re not sick enough to get help. It makes Ana turn around and go you know what, I’m going to prove you wrong. Just you wait. Do you really want someone you care about and love to have that twisted voice in their head turn around and say you think I don’t really want to die? Let me show you. That is the battle I face frequently. And with me at least, the fact is it’s not for lack of trying. I have been hospitalised on multiple occasions from suicide attempts. I have been caught just at the right moment to stop myself throwing myself off a cliff edge, or jumping in front of fast-moving vehicles or trains. I have been completely dedicated to the act of ending my life on more than one occasion. Yes, I have failed at it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t truly want it. And just because I’ve had so many failed attempts doesn’t mean that it will never happen.
As you’ve probably gathered from reading my earlier posts, not a lot of people actually know my situation, even superficially. But of those who do, I find they’ve stopped taking my situation seriously. Maybe it’s because they don’t know how to deal with it. But using humour to try to deflect a serious situation where I’m finally reaching out for help (which doesn’t happen often) is one of the worst things you could do. I feel disappointed, let down, like nobody really cares when it gets tough. If I am confiding in you the deepest details of my thoughts and my actions, I am desperate for you to show you understand. I want you to support me and help me. Not make jokes about me not eating or drinking, or about my hair falling out or none of my clothes fitting, or my obsessions with stupid things. Jokes do not help.
So here I am, the end of another week, and I’m feeling completely crap. Anxiety is high, stress is high, but at the same time I just feel dead and numb. I don’t have any energy, so I’m probably safe for tonight just thanks to that. How can I end this pain in a way that causes the least pain to everyone else? I need to withdraw myself from life to minimise the impact I have on others. So nobody notices when I’m gone.