I just feel lost. I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t feel like I belong here, on this earth, in this life, in this body.
Against my better judgement I reached out for help. Again, I was knocked back. Why do I never learn? I understand people can’t always have time. But for people not to be able to let you talk about how you’re feeling for months on end… I don’t quite understand how that can be true. Nobody is really that busy. People make time for people they care about. Guess that means they don’t care about me. But then again, I don’t care about me, so why should they be any different?
Ana’s been really loud today. I haven’t gone against her as such, haven’t fought her, but have tried to ignore her. It’s not really working. I’m all over the place. I want help. I want to talk to someone, for them to support me, tell me getting help is the right thing to do, encourage me and help me to get that help that’s so hard to access. But at the same time I don’t want to keep fighting it, I want to take the easy (yet horribly painful, hate-filled and destructive) path, I want to let Ana make the decisions, I want to let go and give in.
Christmas is looming over me. I hate Christmas. Hate is not a strong enough word for it. Thankfully my mother and her partner will be on the other side of the country, so I don’t have to deal with them. I do, however, for some reason have to visit my father and his partner (who is JEWISH and doesn’t celebrate Christmas?!). She force-feeds me like a pig. Even if I didn’t have an eating disorder I think I would feel nauseous after eating there. I am dreading it so so much. Thinking about it makes me incredibly anxious. And then there’s the rest of this “festive” season. What am I supposed to do? No friends around. No study. No work. Nothing to distract me from myself. I’m absolutely terrified of this. I need to be with people. I’m not a social person. And being with people usually means food. So I say no to social events again and again. But that leaves me alone, with myself, with Ana, telling me not to eat, to go for runs, to spend hour after hour in the gym. I’m really scared.
I’ve made plans for next year, sure. I know what work I’m going to be doing, I’ve signed another 12 months on my lease because it was the easiest thing to do. I’ve quit the things I knew I needed to quit. But then what? What is my future? Another year like this one? No thanks. I don’t have the strength for that. I don’t have the motivation to live. Life is difficult, I don’t care what anyone says. I just don’t feel like it’s worth it. Not now. Not after losing so much.